


Battle! for the Dam!

by Cheesegorath



Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Gen, Humor, M/M, Parody, absolutely crack, legionaries being stupid, maybe some fandom jokes, what the fuck is going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:39:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7195925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheesegorath/pseuds/Cheesegorath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ROCKBAND AU. Caesar is obsessed with winning that stupid competition, and he'll do anything for it, even relying on someone he shouldn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Battle! for the Dam!

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, first of all, why a fucking rockband AU? let me explain.  
> My mother language is spanish and I wanted to write something light for practice, and then this shit came up. I can assure you, there are many gramatical mistakes, but well, I hope I can Improve gradually while I write this. Hope you like it, I laughed so much writing it.
> 
> And I hope my style of writing doesn't sound weird in english

Cheesegorath's 

_Battle! For the Dam!_

_I_

_Out with the Boys_

~~

Band Members:

Caesar - Vocals.

Lanius - Guitar.

Vulpes - Keyboard

Lucius - Drums

Aurelius - Bass

Otho - Xylophonist... yes, xylophonist.

~~

“Boys! Guess what!”

Caesar slammed the door, almost the entire band was in the room, which was surprising. Every member glanced at him, and then returned to the things they were doing: Lanius was lying on bed, listening to who knows which glam metal band, full volume; Lucius was drinking a lemonade, sitting on a little table at the center of the room, Vulpes was by his side, playing with his gameboy Advance. But, real question, where were Otho and Aurelius?

“What’s up, C-man” Lucius said, who was the only one paying attention to his boss. 

Caesar unrolled the poster he had in his hands, when the other members saw it, they all shook their heads. _Oh no, not again_. It was the official poster of the Mojave’s greatest music competition: The battle of the Hoover Dam.

It was not a secret that Caesar’s biggest, wettest dream was to win that competition, even a year ago, the band nearly won, but that stupid ex guitarist made a disastrous mistake in the most important song of the night, then the NCR won.

“This year we have Lanius. It is obvious, we are winning.” Caesar pointed at Lanius, who was still lost in his music.

Then Vulpes sighed and put down his gameboy, ready to talk.

“Are you sure, C? Our newest álbum, _profligates like you_ , hasn’t sold enough copies… since the incident at the Dam”

“Vulpes, for fuck´s sake, keep that optimism up.” Lucius rolled his eyes, sarcastically.

The keyboardist shrugged, turning on his gameboy again, he clearly was irritated by the intentions of Caesar, Vulpes disliked Lanius with a growing passion. The new guitarist was still absent, clearly enjoying the music. And Caesar still hold the poster high with a smile from ear to ear, like he won a war and that was his banner or something.  

 “C, tell me please at least you have a setlist in mind for that day” Lucius tried breaking the ice, there was an increasing tensión on the fucking room and he had no clue of what to do.

The band leader sighed.

“Kinda. I was wondering, what if we play _Thesis_ and _Anthitesis_?”

 _Oh no, no more Hegelian deliriums, please._ Lucius wasn’t sure how to tell him that it wasn’t a good idea, the people didn’t like them, because of the complicated nature of Hegelian Dialectics. People at the festival wanted songs about banal stuff like sex and drugs. Heck, Caesar’s Legion was an Alternative band, not _fucking progressive_.

Lucius wanted to convince him to play simpler pieces like _On the cross_ and _raining radioactive on searchlight_ , but then someone slammed the door hard, almost breaking it.

“BOYS, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.” It was Otho, screaming. He looked like he ran the entire Mojave and back.

Everyone, incluiding Lanius glanced at him, that fucking xylophonist. He had in his hands a generic CD _. Let me guess, another of his stupid band discoveries_. Lucius Thought.

“Oh god, please tell us this is not another waste of time, y’know Otho, last time you…”

Caesar couldn’t finish the sentence, Otho was already introducing the CD on the stereo, so violently that even Vulpes’ Spy Kids 4 Bobbleheads fell to the floor, which made him get up of the chair, putting them in place.

“Otho, these bobbleheads are COLLECTION ítems, just how many times have I told you?”

The xylophonist didn’t pay attention.

“Guys, listen, just… listen. I still can’t believe it.”

He pressed the play buttom. The quality of the sound was bad, it was the recording of a concert on a crowded bar or something like that, cheers were loud and applauses even more. Caesar and Lucius shared a look and frowned.

Then, someone with a deep voice started talking.

‘This song is about overcoming. Dedicated to all those people who wanted to destroy and kill me, but they could not. Let them know that the fire inside me is stronger than the fire around me.’

Caesar, Vulpes and Lucius were pale, shocked, even the keyboardist had to hid his opened mouth behind his hand. No fucking way.

A heavy guitar riff started playing, followed by an almost gutural voice. There was only one person in the world with that style of singing and playing. God’s heaven.

“Is this a fucking joke?”

“THIS is a fucking joke, right?”

“Shit…”

“please tell me this isn’t real.”

“What the fuck is going on?” said Lanius, who didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

The song depicted a heavy version of _Ain’t no grave_. Yeah, it was a beautiful Christian song about god and resurrection but… A metal version. What twisted mind could be behind that?

No more or less than JOSHUA GRAHAM, ex founding member and guitarist of Caesar’s Legion. Caesar was shocked, he opened his mouth to say something, but couldn’t. That son of a bitch started a solo career, _a fucking white metal solo career_. On the other side, Lanius was still asking what was going on.

“TURN THAT OFF.” Lucius screamed, disgusted by the song. He lunged against the stereo, throwing the Spy Kids bobbleheads again.

“My fucking bobbleheads.” Vulpes sounded utterly irritated.

Lucius pushed stop, panting and sweating, he was near a heart attack.

“He’s singing…” Caesar whispered to himself.

“Yes, he’s singing fucking White metal.” Lucius completed Caesar’s sentence and then added “but let’s be honest here, no one is into Christian metal.”

“NO ONE’S INTO THAT? ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING? DIDN’T YOU HEAR THE CHEERS?” Caesar put his hand in his heart, and collapsed on the floor. “LUCIUS! VULPES! WHAT HAVE WE DONE?” he was being dramatical, as always.

The keyboardist sighed and closed his gameboy.

“Bro, why do you ask me? It wasn’t my fucking idea to kick him off the band just because he had a mistake on that goddamn solo. That wouldn’t have happened if the solo was mine.”

“WE CAN’T ALLOW MISTAKES ON A FESTIVAL, YOU FUCKING FURRY.”

“First of all C, I wore a dog hat just once, that doesn’t make a furry.” Vulpes said, trying to stay calm.

“Furry” Lanius started laughing indiscreetly.

“Lanius, please, you’re the one who PAINTS HIS FACE LIKE THE FUCKING CAT OF KISS.” That was it, Vulpes couldn’t remain calm.

There was an awkward moment when all exchanged glances, except Otho, who was smiling to himself, who knows what the hell he was thinking.

Lucius slammed the stereo violently, throwing the bobbleheads yet again. Vulpes bit his lip, so he couldn’t say anything else.

“Guys, please, we’re losing the real thread. What are we gonna do with Josh?” Lucius asked.

“We are going to destroy him at the Dam.” Lanius punched the bed.

“Lanius, what are you? Internet fucking explorer or what? Do you know why are you the new guitarist? Joshua won’t allow another mistake in his career. We can’t destroy him that easy.” Vulpes remarked arrogantly, with a sly smile.

“You know what? To hell with you, fursona asshole.” Lanius, as volatile as always, stood out of bed, put on his headphones and left the room by leaps and bounds.

Caesar, who was still on the floor, shook his head, he was certainly tired and sick of the matter.

“If he enters the festival, then we’re doom-“

“WE ARE NOT DOOMED.”

Every member of the band startled, Aurelius entered the room, kicking the door. _Poor door._

He showed Caesar the newspaper he had on his hands, then Caesar’s eyes sparkled with hope.

‘COURIER SIX RETIRES FOR A SEASON.’ The front page read, next to the photo of Courier Six kicking a man with a checkered suit.

“Aurelius, you’re my savior.”

Caesar gave Aurelius a manly hug, the leader was at the verge of tears. _Oh, Aurelius, may the roman pantheon bless you_. Courier Six had won the battle of the Hoover Dam countless times, she was the key to winning. Honestly, he didn’t like the idea of a woman in his group, but he needed, _no_ , craved the prize and the other band members were kinda incompetent.

“Question: How are we going to convince her?” Vulpes asked, throwing himself in the bed where Lanius was just minutes ago.

Lucius and Otho shared a smile.

“Wasn’t Courier Six infamous for having sex with a different man every night? Well… how about… that.” Otho frowned, looking at his friends, waiting someone to sacrifice for the sake of the others. No one in Caesar’s Legion was het, except Lanius, but he treated women like shit, so he was automatically discarded.

“I guess… we should send the only member of the bands who has...” he didn’t like the word, no one in the band liked the word, Caesar cleared his throat before saying it. “… fangirls.”

That one single word terrified the entire band, although they hadn't fangirls, except for one particular member, who for some reason, had a fucking fanclub. _How the fuck_. Everyone gave a serious look to Vulpes.

“Hell no. No. No. No.”

“Yes, Vulpes, you’re the chosen one.” Lucius said, dramatically.

“No, I won’t. I don’t even know that woman, besides, look at the fucking photo in the newspapers, she’s kicking someone and I don’t want to be that someone.”

“Vulpes, you’re the only one who can convince her. Please.” Caesar pledged, almost crying on Aurelius’ shoulder.

“Me? How the fuck?”

“Just be you.” Otho said, then suddenly remembered that Vulpes was a weird man obsessed to death with Spy Kids, foxes and dog hats. “WAIT! NO! Don’t be you.”

“Ok, for some reason you have fangirls, treat her like you do with these girls.” Aurelius added, Caesar nodded at every word.

“C, you know that I hate my fangirls, don’t you? All I want in my life is to be a happy man with a happy collection of Machete from spy kids collection figurines, not fucking women behind me.”

The leader of the band sighed, frustrated. There was only one way to convince him, telling him what he wanted to hear, even if that was a lie.

“Look, Vulpes, if you convince her, you’ll get that solo you want so desperately, and yes, you can play it at the Dam.”

On a sudden movement, Vulpes jumped out of bed and saw Caesar on the eyes, with a serious face.

“Please tell me that you’re not lying.”

“I am not.” Now he was lying about not lying.

“Deal. I’ll bring you that woman.”


End file.
